Secret wedding, just the two of us. How to tell family & make them feel loved & wanted (tho' not invited!)?!
Question: and should we tell them that we're getting married abroad before we go?
In particular, I'm worried about my partner's step-daughter (she's six, she lives with her mum and she's a really girlie girl who would love to be a bridesmaid).
We can't afford a big wedding and neither of us want to have to deal with a family get together on our special day. So we've booked a trip to New York & r going to have a super quick civil wedding there. Although a trip to New York is quite extravagent, it's much cheaper and simpler than a big wedding would be and it's the way we want to get married.
I just don't know what the best thing is to so that our parents and my soon-to-be step-daughter don't feel rejected. Advice, anyone?
Answers: We are facing a similar problem for next year!
Do your own thing, but on return take your step-daughter shopping, maybe have a 'pamper' day, send her a special bouquet of flowers on the day of a family and friends gathering (doesnt have to be expensive, why not have it at home or local restaurant) THEN....give her the honour of announcing your marraige........Go right over the top, have special music, have a scroll with the announcement on it and all eyes on HER.
Make it a really important, special surprise that only she can help you's with. She will love it and it will make HER the focus of the day and you will already have had your big day to yourselves.
Just have a party for friends and family when you get back!
Let me know when you have the answer someone else I know has the same predicament.
Anyway why call it secret if it's not going to be.
I can't help but feel very, very sorry for the little six year old girl. She's about to have the rug pulled out from under her with no warning whatsoever.
I could never do that, whatever the cost. I think it's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of you both.
Have a do when you get back.
My daughter married 3 years ago in a civil ceremony at the courthouse. The whole family was there. It's inexpensive, you give the judge a few bucks for his time. Then we went to a local Italian Resturant and had a nice dinner. They didn't want a big wedding either because they didn't have the money. There just as happy together and the family felt apart of their special day.
Maybe you could consider something like that? Good Luck and God 'Bless!
take your soon to be step daughter with you, get her the girly girl bridesmaid dess, but dont tell her until the day your getting married, it will be a lovely surprise for her...get married then when you get back tell the folks...they'll be upset at first but in the long run, whats done is done and they WILL get over it eventually
gett married abroad but then in a couple of months time have a reception for the family have all the pictures etc etc that way no one really misses out
Just be honest with them. Honesty is the best policy. They might be disappointed but they will understand if you're honest about it beforehand. If you leave it until you come back they will probably be even more hurt and upset that you went off to get married on the quiet. If you look at it with the shoe on the other foot, wouldn't you prefer to be told if a family member felt the way you did and wanted a quiet wedding?
You could have a simple party for the other family members when you get back from New York, and your step daughter could take that opportunity to dress up. I know it's not quite the same, but you have to put your needs and wants before hers, and I'm sure she'll get to be a proper bridemaid sometime. Remember it's your wedding day and it's what you want that matters ahead of what everyone else wants. Try to be honest about what you want with your family and I'm sure they will respect you for it.
I think that you will be able to afford to take your step-daughter with you.It will make your relationship stronger with her and I think it's the adult thing to do.The adults will have to get over it it's your day,but I think it's unfair if you don't take the little girl with you.
you should really bring the daughter and parents and leave it at that. you could do it alot cheaper at home.
friends of mine did that recently I had no problem with it. but I felt sorry for the 2 mothers esp the mother of the bride
If you can't afford a big wedding then don't have one just have a service and a meal that would be cheaper than going to new york.
why secretly?
I hear you i too want a small service just the 2 of us and witness'.we have 6 children i have 2 from a previous marriage he has 3 from previous relationship and we have one together we decided to elope and then when we come back we are having a party that we are calling a reception for our family and friends. We will include them in the party by letting them help and decorate but let them have a special time our oldest is 17 hes toasting...our other younger ones are carrying around a guest book to sign for good luck messages, disposable cameras to catch snap shots,your 6 year old could do any of the smaller task even if its just calling up people to day what they want to to say about you all..there are plenty ways to include the kids..let the 6 year old help make invitation they just want to feel a part of the new union don't make this to stressful it will work out perfect
Tell them that you are getting married abroad as so many people do these days. Don't leave them room for complaints. If you say it with authority in an upbeat, happy way they will feel less inclined to contradict you and complain. I would suggest taking the six year old out for a day trip when you get back, leaving her mum to have some time alone for some personal space, knowing her daughter is having a great time.
The rest of the family- consider a good cheap pub or hotel meal or a sunday lunch at yours where you treat them all to a good few hours of food and drinks- then whisk them home quickly in taxis on you! Only if you want!
Remember you are an individual so you are not enslaved to anybody- enjoy yourself- it is your wedding day- nevermind the rest! I got married at 9am on a monday in a local register office with 2 witnesses and a big slap up meal afterwards for me and the groom- great day and 16 years together so far. Would you tell someone else where or how to get married? No? i wouldn't think so- it is your day- so think about you! Have your guilt free fun! Forget the rest. They will have their turn or have had their turn!
First of all make sure you enjoy your wedding. Maybe on your return to UK you could have a small party for the close members of your family and dress your step-daughter up as a flower girl for the occasion. That way they should not feel neglected or unwanted especially when you explain your reasons and offer then the chance to enjoy your newly married state. All happiness to you both.
Do what you feel is best. Your Family who loves you should repsect your desicion. Have you thought to do a special thing for your step daughter? When my Mother and step Father got married they did the same thing. But when they got back they had a get together with the family and in front of all of them he asked me if I would be his daughter and gave me a little ring that said 'poppas lil girl' on it. In that I felt so special. So maybe you could do the same with your step daughter..ask her to if she wants to be yours and give her a gift that she will never forget. The unending love of another parent. Good Luck!
Why not bring the little girl with you?I think leaving her behind is a lousy thing to do.I don't suppose her mother would object.If you think the families would not get on at a get-together,then,obviously,it's better to get married somewhere abroad.
u should not tell the family until u return. In respects to the 6 year old, why not buy an extra ticket and take her with to be brdesmaid. Or failing that, have a marriage blessing when u return or something so she can be bridesmaid then.
i say its rude of you not to include the 6 year old. she is at that age where she knows how great it is to be pretty. take her with and make a day of it with getting your nails/hair done and pretty dresses. then make it a surprise for her at the wedding tell her at the wedding that you are marrying her and her daddy/mommy. maybe have her included in the vows too. as for the rest of the family they are old enough to understand and get over it. besides you can have a party when you get back home for everyone. BUT INCLUDE THE GIRL!!
i think yes u should tell them ,but have a small gathering like a reception for everyone else when u get back. as 4 ur soon to b step daughter not quite old enough to really understand the details. but try this one ur going away for a couple of days when u get back u will b having a big party that she can get all dressed up 4.
You must tell your family you are getting married before you go, they would be so hurt and it would also be a shock for them.
Explain though that what both of you want is a very quiet wedding just the two of you.
They can get together back at home and raise their glasses to you at the time of your wedding and perhaps have a small buffet.
This is what I did when my brother got married abroad...I was teaching at the time, but at ten o'clock in the morning, we all stopped and had some 'wedding cake'. At least I felt I celebrated it in some way.
Another idea is a web cam, so that while they are celebrating back home they can also watch the wedding!
Good luck with your wedding.
In particular, I'm worried about my partner's step-daughter (she's six, she lives with her mum and she's a really girlie girl who would love to be a bridesmaid).
We can't afford a big wedding and neither of us want to have to deal with a family get together on our special day. So we've booked a trip to New York & r going to have a super quick civil wedding there. Although a trip to New York is quite extravagent, it's much cheaper and simpler than a big wedding would be and it's the way we want to get married.
I just don't know what the best thing is to so that our parents and my soon-to-be step-daughter don't feel rejected. Advice, anyone?
Answers: We are facing a similar problem for next year!
Do your own thing, but on return take your step-daughter shopping, maybe have a 'pamper' day, send her a special bouquet of flowers on the day of a family and friends gathering (doesnt have to be expensive, why not have it at home or local restaurant) THEN....give her the honour of announcing your marraige........Go right over the top, have special music, have a scroll with the announcement on it and all eyes on HER.
Make it a really important, special surprise that only she can help you's with. She will love it and it will make HER the focus of the day and you will already have had your big day to yourselves.
Just have a party for friends and family when you get back!
Let me know when you have the answer someone else I know has the same predicament.
Anyway why call it secret if it's not going to be.
I can't help but feel very, very sorry for the little six year old girl. She's about to have the rug pulled out from under her with no warning whatsoever.
I could never do that, whatever the cost. I think it's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of you both.
Have a do when you get back.
My daughter married 3 years ago in a civil ceremony at the courthouse. The whole family was there. It's inexpensive, you give the judge a few bucks for his time. Then we went to a local Italian Resturant and had a nice dinner. They didn't want a big wedding either because they didn't have the money. There just as happy together and the family felt apart of their special day.
Maybe you could consider something like that? Good Luck and God 'Bless!
take your soon to be step daughter with you, get her the girly girl bridesmaid dess, but dont tell her until the day your getting married, it will be a lovely surprise for her...get married then when you get back tell the folks...they'll be upset at first but in the long run, whats done is done and they WILL get over it eventually
gett married abroad but then in a couple of months time have a reception for the family have all the pictures etc etc that way no one really misses out
Just be honest with them. Honesty is the best policy. They might be disappointed but they will understand if you're honest about it beforehand. If you leave it until you come back they will probably be even more hurt and upset that you went off to get married on the quiet. If you look at it with the shoe on the other foot, wouldn't you prefer to be told if a family member felt the way you did and wanted a quiet wedding?
You could have a simple party for the other family members when you get back from New York, and your step daughter could take that opportunity to dress up. I know it's not quite the same, but you have to put your needs and wants before hers, and I'm sure she'll get to be a proper bridemaid sometime. Remember it's your wedding day and it's what you want that matters ahead of what everyone else wants. Try to be honest about what you want with your family and I'm sure they will respect you for it.
I think that you will be able to afford to take your step-daughter with you.It will make your relationship stronger with her and I think it's the adult thing to do.The adults will have to get over it it's your day,but I think it's unfair if you don't take the little girl with you.
you should really bring the daughter and parents and leave it at that. you could do it alot cheaper at home.
friends of mine did that recently I had no problem with it. but I felt sorry for the 2 mothers esp the mother of the bride
If you can't afford a big wedding then don't have one just have a service and a meal that would be cheaper than going to new york.
why secretly?
I hear you i too want a small service just the 2 of us and witness'.we have 6 children i have 2 from a previous marriage he has 3 from previous relationship and we have one together we decided to elope and then when we come back we are having a party that we are calling a reception for our family and friends. We will include them in the party by letting them help and decorate but let them have a special time our oldest is 17 hes toasting...our other younger ones are carrying around a guest book to sign for good luck messages, disposable cameras to catch snap shots,your 6 year old could do any of the smaller task even if its just calling up people to day what they want to to say about you all..there are plenty ways to include the kids..let the 6 year old help make invitation they just want to feel a part of the new union don't make this to stressful it will work out perfect
Tell them that you are getting married abroad as so many people do these days. Don't leave them room for complaints. If you say it with authority in an upbeat, happy way they will feel less inclined to contradict you and complain. I would suggest taking the six year old out for a day trip when you get back, leaving her mum to have some time alone for some personal space, knowing her daughter is having a great time.
The rest of the family- consider a good cheap pub or hotel meal or a sunday lunch at yours where you treat them all to a good few hours of food and drinks- then whisk them home quickly in taxis on you! Only if you want!
Remember you are an individual so you are not enslaved to anybody- enjoy yourself- it is your wedding day- nevermind the rest! I got married at 9am on a monday in a local register office with 2 witnesses and a big slap up meal afterwards for me and the groom- great day and 16 years together so far. Would you tell someone else where or how to get married? No? i wouldn't think so- it is your day- so think about you! Have your guilt free fun! Forget the rest. They will have their turn or have had their turn!
First of all make sure you enjoy your wedding. Maybe on your return to UK you could have a small party for the close members of your family and dress your step-daughter up as a flower girl for the occasion. That way they should not feel neglected or unwanted especially when you explain your reasons and offer then the chance to enjoy your newly married state. All happiness to you both.
Do what you feel is best. Your Family who loves you should repsect your desicion. Have you thought to do a special thing for your step daughter? When my Mother and step Father got married they did the same thing. But when they got back they had a get together with the family and in front of all of them he asked me if I would be his daughter and gave me a little ring that said 'poppas lil girl' on it. In that I felt so special. So maybe you could do the same with your step daughter..ask her to if she wants to be yours and give her a gift that she will never forget. The unending love of another parent. Good Luck!
Why not bring the little girl with you?I think leaving her behind is a lousy thing to do.I don't suppose her mother would object.If you think the families would not get on at a get-together,then,obviously,it's better to get married somewhere abroad.
u should not tell the family until u return. In respects to the 6 year old, why not buy an extra ticket and take her with to be brdesmaid. Or failing that, have a marriage blessing when u return or something so she can be bridesmaid then.
i say its rude of you not to include the 6 year old. she is at that age where she knows how great it is to be pretty. take her with and make a day of it with getting your nails/hair done and pretty dresses. then make it a surprise for her at the wedding tell her at the wedding that you are marrying her and her daddy/mommy. maybe have her included in the vows too. as for the rest of the family they are old enough to understand and get over it. besides you can have a party when you get back home for everyone. BUT INCLUDE THE GIRL!!
i think yes u should tell them ,but have a small gathering like a reception for everyone else when u get back. as 4 ur soon to b step daughter not quite old enough to really understand the details. but try this one ur going away for a couple of days when u get back u will b having a big party that she can get all dressed up 4.
You must tell your family you are getting married before you go, they would be so hurt and it would also be a shock for them.
Explain though that what both of you want is a very quiet wedding just the two of you.
They can get together back at home and raise their glasses to you at the time of your wedding and perhaps have a small buffet.
This is what I did when my brother got married abroad...I was teaching at the time, but at ten o'clock in the morning, we all stopped and had some 'wedding cake'. At least I felt I celebrated it in some way.
Another idea is a web cam, so that while they are celebrating back home they can also watch the wedding!
Good luck with your wedding.
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