How can I resolve a double bind communications problem with my eldest sibling?
Question: I am the youngest of three male siblings and have a double-bind interpersonal communications problem with my eldest brother.
He constantly casts me as wrong – all the time! If I say it is a nice day, he’ll say it could be nicer! If I say its’ a terrible day he’ll say, it could be worse! Wrong every time!
That is a trivial example but the same lose-lose scenario exists in every conversation such that I withdraw from any communication with him. If I object to his unreasonable contradiction of my point I am cast as the villain for being pedantic. We cannot talk about anything more contentious than the weather without arguing.
I don’t want to argue with him or withdraw because I get on very well with his children and wife.
I believe that he is jealous of my relative career success to his and he tries to deny me respect by ridiculing me in front of his children as punishment.
What can I do? Has anyone out there got experience of resolving such a family relationship problem?
Answers: It's normal for brothers to grow apart, why do you see so much of the guy?
As the younger brother you are, in many ways subservient to the elder brother. And career success isn't everything. don't forget.
Maybe you are just a little touchy, and he knows this, and he is feeding this situation. Brothers can find loads of ways to niggle each other!
Next time he answers like that I would say yes your right it could be worse but I am grateful that it isn't and I count all my bleessings each day.
If it could be better say yes your right it could be better and while i strive to improve what i have i am truely grateful for what i have aren't you.
Agreee with his judgement but find something possitve to say about the situation.
Go and see his wife and children when he's not there.
Either that or see a lot less of them
Do you really need this hassle in your life ?
After all, we choose our friends but we're stuck with our family.
Have you tried talking to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realise he is doing it. Try telling him how you feel. I know it sounds silly but you never know. It would be a shame fopr your relationship to break down, which it probably will if you don't sort it. There is the possibility that he is just not going to change but at least you will have tried.
You could also try talking to his wife and seeing if she can help.
Good luck!!
my sister used to do this with me...she too was very jealous about my success and the way i turned out...everything i said, she contradicted me, in the end i just turned and told her to shut the F up, because her comments were pointless...i told her that in order to be successful, she had to make it by herself, and if she hated me because of my success then she had a big problem, i told her that i was going to cut my ties with her if this continued, she is still the same now, very bitter and twisted, she has a negative attitude to everything, sometimes i just feel like slapping her.....i have worked very hard all my life to get where i am today, i did offer her a part in my business but she said it was too boring and could do better herself...she still has no direction, she even slags me off to people for no reason at all...so when they come back and report to me...i just laugh because it's so pathetic...i'm over it...but she's not...she's still that nasty little ***** i have grown up with and she will never change....i feel sorry for her son
He constantly casts me as wrong – all the time! If I say it is a nice day, he’ll say it could be nicer! If I say its’ a terrible day he’ll say, it could be worse! Wrong every time!
That is a trivial example but the same lose-lose scenario exists in every conversation such that I withdraw from any communication with him. If I object to his unreasonable contradiction of my point I am cast as the villain for being pedantic. We cannot talk about anything more contentious than the weather without arguing.
I don’t want to argue with him or withdraw because I get on very well with his children and wife.
I believe that he is jealous of my relative career success to his and he tries to deny me respect by ridiculing me in front of his children as punishment.
What can I do? Has anyone out there got experience of resolving such a family relationship problem?
Answers: It's normal for brothers to grow apart, why do you see so much of the guy?
As the younger brother you are, in many ways subservient to the elder brother. And career success isn't everything. don't forget.
Maybe you are just a little touchy, and he knows this, and he is feeding this situation. Brothers can find loads of ways to niggle each other!
Next time he answers like that I would say yes your right it could be worse but I am grateful that it isn't and I count all my bleessings each day.
If it could be better say yes your right it could be better and while i strive to improve what i have i am truely grateful for what i have aren't you.
Agreee with his judgement but find something possitve to say about the situation.
Go and see his wife and children when he's not there.
Either that or see a lot less of them
Do you really need this hassle in your life ?
After all, we choose our friends but we're stuck with our family.
Have you tried talking to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realise he is doing it. Try telling him how you feel. I know it sounds silly but you never know. It would be a shame fopr your relationship to break down, which it probably will if you don't sort it. There is the possibility that he is just not going to change but at least you will have tried.
You could also try talking to his wife and seeing if she can help.
Good luck!!
my sister used to do this with me...she too was very jealous about my success and the way i turned out...everything i said, she contradicted me, in the end i just turned and told her to shut the F up, because her comments were pointless...i told her that in order to be successful, she had to make it by herself, and if she hated me because of my success then she had a big problem, i told her that i was going to cut my ties with her if this continued, she is still the same now, very bitter and twisted, she has a negative attitude to everything, sometimes i just feel like slapping her.....i have worked very hard all my life to get where i am today, i did offer her a part in my business but she said it was too boring and could do better herself...she still has no direction, she even slags me off to people for no reason at all...so when they come back and report to me...i just laugh because it's so pathetic...i'm over it...but she's not...she's still that nasty little ***** i have grown up with and she will never change....i feel sorry for her son
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