My ex wife did it again. what can i do?
Question: tonight was my visitation with my 9 yo. i got there and she had his weekly progress report and said i needed to talk to him about it because he hasnt been completing his homework. i asked how he could get away with it not being done and she said she didnt know. my son is a certifiable genious, but he loves to play with his game cube. he doesnt do his homework so he can go up and play. i simply asked my ex why she wont take 2 minutes to review his homework each night and she went ballistic. dont blame me you dont check it. i informed her that i wasnt able to because i dont live with him. she continued to yell at me and tell me how worthless i was and blamed me for making him cry. heres my question DO YOU THINK SHE IS AS MUCH TO BLAME FOR MY SON NOT DOING HIS HOMEWORK? this isnt a one time thing with him so its not like it just came up. thank you.
Answers: First off, stop the arguing in front of your son. If it looks like something is going to escalate into screaming, leave. Your son won't care what you're yelling about, who was right, who was wrong, but that the 2 of you stood there yelling at eachother. It's already hard enough on him.
To talk to her about this set up a lunch date or a public meeting where you 2 are forced to keep it civil. Think beforehand about what you want to say, your expectations, what you're bottom line is, be calm and be ready to negotiate.
As for your son's grades. Genius or not his grades are bound to slip if there is conflict between you and the ex. This is a divorce for him as much as it is for the 2 of you. He's probably taking every opportunity to hide from reality in his games or day dreams. Maybe he's letting his grades fall on purpose to get your attention? My advice is to talk with him, not just about grades but everything. Instead of demanding your wife take 2 minutes, take responsibility and call your son every night before bed and ask him How was your day? Did you do your homework? What homework do you have? Be specific, get to know his classes, his teachers, his projects.
Don't play the blame game. The only one getting hurt in that is the kid. Be an adult and start thinking logically.
she is thye domacilery parent the the blame should fall on her all you can do as a father is maybe call him every night abd check up on him
Why don't you tell her simply. OK I will talk to him. and go and have you visitation. enjoy your time with him.
If it's monitored visitation you have with you son. Could you ask for court appointed monitor.
That way you could have less hostil visits
Some time during the visit. ask your son. gee mommies really upset whats with that? is there anything I can do to help. Can you do anything to help ? Humm well give it a try. I cant wait till my next visit to see how you have done.
Let him know you love him no matter what.
Your ex still havs very angry feelings with the family break up. And its simply easier to blame you for all the things not going right.
It may take time or another male in her life to ease up on you.
Pray for peace and comfort and give this problem To God. you will be amazed what God can do for you.
The only thing that matters is your son here... do what ever you can to help him. Now I don;t know any the reasons for the seperation but she obviously still has prob's with you. Just don't let her use you r son like that in any arguement ..... he doesn;t deserve that, hes not somthing to throw in your face
***Somthing to watch****
Watch how quickly when he does something bad he's your son but if he does something good he's my son, again.
This is a form of collective responsibility. Perform your own responsibility most judiciously without blaming others.
It stills sounds like she is a little bitter towards you.Since she has custody of him she should be the one checking his homework nightly. When he comes home she should be checking his backpack. I would talk to him and ask him why he is not doing his homework. Maybe he needs help and does not know how to ask. But his mother should already be there when needed. Are you aware of when there are meetings at your son school? Depending on how long you two have been seperated this could be his way of reacting to your seperation. When you guys argue in front of him that hurts him. My brother and I had to deal with one of our parents acting bitter after a divorce and it is not right.The children are the ones who suffer in the long run.
Do you feel that you both share in the parenting? Stop trying to play the 40% mine and 60% hers game. That is what she is trying to do.
You are no longer trying to 'win points' with your ex. You are trying to raise a great son with or without her help. Talk to his teachers independantly if you can. Get them to include you in his weekly assignments. If he does well in a week, reward him by doing something particularly fun with him (rent a movie HE wants, go to a spot HE loves), if he can't do everything in a week, but does ok, YOU pick something fun. If he does poorly, then it's pizza and card-games.
He's nine. It's easy to reward him without 'spoiling' him. Plan the reqrds ahead of time so he knows what he is shooting for. Contact him during the week and remind him and check up on him. Delayed gratification is impossible for a 9 year old, so he'll need lots of reminding.
This becomes a lot more challenging if your visitations are monitored, but be creative. Find out what HE wants to do. You can make it work, if you put in some plannign ahead of time.
If your wife is interfering, try and tell her that you are trying to make it easier on her. You don't want her to bully your son into work, or not pushing hard enough. YOU want to help HIM. It has little to do with her, but if YOU can help HIM, HER life gets better too! You'll definately need more time with him on the telephone during school nights.
To simply answer your question, yes I think she is as much to blame for your son not doing his homework.
She is the parent who is with thim every day and yes she should be reviewing his homework with him. She is the parent in the home, if he is spending his time on his gamecube, she is the one who should be turning it off.
But, with you being the dad of a son, your interaction will matter here. You are very important to your son and what you say will start to sink in. I would talk to him about his homework, why isn't it getting done. I would tell him that you expect him to do it, that school is his job now and he needs to focus on school. Frankly, I would go into the school and talk to the teacher and find out how things are really going there.
We went through something simular with my daughter. Homework wasn't being turned in. We knew she was doing it. Talked with the teacher, we went and checked her locker, a ton of homework smashed in the back. It took a combination of us and the teacher to work this out.
I'm divorced and the custodial mom. While I realise what my ex says and does matters to our kids and he is helpful in setting up expectation of school, I'm the one who is in charge of making sure it's done. He isn't here, I'm the grown up in charge and it's my job to make sure rules are followed.
If the child lives with her on school nights then she is very responsible for it but at the same time you also need to step in andtalk to him about it. maybe you two(if not always hostile) can come up with a way to ground him together for when he doesnt want to do his homework. I am sorry that she called you worthless, obvoiusly the women has no idea that her child is one of the lucky few whose father actually wants to be there. Good luck.
Answers: First off, stop the arguing in front of your son. If it looks like something is going to escalate into screaming, leave. Your son won't care what you're yelling about, who was right, who was wrong, but that the 2 of you stood there yelling at eachother. It's already hard enough on him.
To talk to her about this set up a lunch date or a public meeting where you 2 are forced to keep it civil. Think beforehand about what you want to say, your expectations, what you're bottom line is, be calm and be ready to negotiate.
As for your son's grades. Genius or not his grades are bound to slip if there is conflict between you and the ex. This is a divorce for him as much as it is for the 2 of you. He's probably taking every opportunity to hide from reality in his games or day dreams. Maybe he's letting his grades fall on purpose to get your attention? My advice is to talk with him, not just about grades but everything. Instead of demanding your wife take 2 minutes, take responsibility and call your son every night before bed and ask him How was your day? Did you do your homework? What homework do you have? Be specific, get to know his classes, his teachers, his projects.
Don't play the blame game. The only one getting hurt in that is the kid. Be an adult and start thinking logically.
she is thye domacilery parent the the blame should fall on her all you can do as a father is maybe call him every night abd check up on him
Why don't you tell her simply. OK I will talk to him. and go and have you visitation. enjoy your time with him.
If it's monitored visitation you have with you son. Could you ask for court appointed monitor.
That way you could have less hostil visits
Some time during the visit. ask your son. gee mommies really upset whats with that? is there anything I can do to help. Can you do anything to help ? Humm well give it a try. I cant wait till my next visit to see how you have done.
Let him know you love him no matter what.
Your ex still havs very angry feelings with the family break up. And its simply easier to blame you for all the things not going right.
It may take time or another male in her life to ease up on you.
Pray for peace and comfort and give this problem To God. you will be amazed what God can do for you.
The only thing that matters is your son here... do what ever you can to help him. Now I don;t know any the reasons for the seperation but she obviously still has prob's with you. Just don't let her use you r son like that in any arguement ..... he doesn;t deserve that, hes not somthing to throw in your face
***Somthing to watch****
Watch how quickly when he does something bad he's your son but if he does something good he's my son, again.
This is a form of collective responsibility. Perform your own responsibility most judiciously without blaming others.
It stills sounds like she is a little bitter towards you.Since she has custody of him she should be the one checking his homework nightly. When he comes home she should be checking his backpack. I would talk to him and ask him why he is not doing his homework. Maybe he needs help and does not know how to ask. But his mother should already be there when needed. Are you aware of when there are meetings at your son school? Depending on how long you two have been seperated this could be his way of reacting to your seperation. When you guys argue in front of him that hurts him. My brother and I had to deal with one of our parents acting bitter after a divorce and it is not right.The children are the ones who suffer in the long run.
Do you feel that you both share in the parenting? Stop trying to play the 40% mine and 60% hers game. That is what she is trying to do.
You are no longer trying to 'win points' with your ex. You are trying to raise a great son with or without her help. Talk to his teachers independantly if you can. Get them to include you in his weekly assignments. If he does well in a week, reward him by doing something particularly fun with him (rent a movie HE wants, go to a spot HE loves), if he can't do everything in a week, but does ok, YOU pick something fun. If he does poorly, then it's pizza and card-games.
He's nine. It's easy to reward him without 'spoiling' him. Plan the reqrds ahead of time so he knows what he is shooting for. Contact him during the week and remind him and check up on him. Delayed gratification is impossible for a 9 year old, so he'll need lots of reminding.
This becomes a lot more challenging if your visitations are monitored, but be creative. Find out what HE wants to do. You can make it work, if you put in some plannign ahead of time.
If your wife is interfering, try and tell her that you are trying to make it easier on her. You don't want her to bully your son into work, or not pushing hard enough. YOU want to help HIM. It has little to do with her, but if YOU can help HIM, HER life gets better too! You'll definately need more time with him on the telephone during school nights.
To simply answer your question, yes I think she is as much to blame for your son not doing his homework.
She is the parent who is with thim every day and yes she should be reviewing his homework with him. She is the parent in the home, if he is spending his time on his gamecube, she is the one who should be turning it off.
But, with you being the dad of a son, your interaction will matter here. You are very important to your son and what you say will start to sink in. I would talk to him about his homework, why isn't it getting done. I would tell him that you expect him to do it, that school is his job now and he needs to focus on school. Frankly, I would go into the school and talk to the teacher and find out how things are really going there.
We went through something simular with my daughter. Homework wasn't being turned in. We knew she was doing it. Talked with the teacher, we went and checked her locker, a ton of homework smashed in the back. It took a combination of us and the teacher to work this out.
I'm divorced and the custodial mom. While I realise what my ex says and does matters to our kids and he is helpful in setting up expectation of school, I'm the one who is in charge of making sure it's done. He isn't here, I'm the grown up in charge and it's my job to make sure rules are followed.
If the child lives with her on school nights then she is very responsible for it but at the same time you also need to step in andtalk to him about it. maybe you two(if not always hostile) can come up with a way to ground him together for when he doesnt want to do his homework. I am sorry that she called you worthless, obvoiusly the women has no idea that her child is one of the lucky few whose father actually wants to be there. Good luck.
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