Trapped in a loveless marriage, but I love the kids, what is more important?
Question: I work so hard to provide a good life for my family, I try to give her everything - new car, nice home, she doesn't have to work. Still, I get no respect, she trashes the car and doesn't clean the house, she makes alot of excuses and never says she is sorry or appreciates anything. I think she hates me and I am starting to hate her too. I want to leave, and I dream of leaving but we have 2 babies and I don't want to leave them. There isn't another woman ar man involved, we just don't have the same priorities in life. Can I realistically stay here another 16 years?
Answers: I don't think so the way it is going. Why stay for the kids sake? They will adjust and do you want your kids growing up knowing that it is okay to stay in something your not happy in? If she doesn't appreciate the things you work hard for then I would not worry about those things in life. Maybe going out on a date night or just sitting and watching a movie together will bring back the love, that is possible, but both have to want it...Good Luck in whatever happens..
no you can't. people don't change. get out while you can. sooner or later it will effect the kids as well--thet pick up more than you realize and at a very young age too.
Divorce is the only solution. If you stay in this marriage, sooner or later, you'll take it out on your kids. Take a divorce, but stay on good terms with your wife so you set a civilized example for your children and show them you love them.
It would be torture for everyone for you two to stay married.
STAYING TOGETHER ISNT DOING YOUR KIDS ANY GOOD. MY PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE EACHOTHER ANYMORE AND I TOLD THEM TO GO FIND SOMEONE THEY ARE HAPPY WITH. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY LIKE YOU ARE. YOUR KIDS WILL MAKE IT THRU LIKE MOST DO. I AM DIVORCED AND MY KIDS ARE WELL ADJUSTED AND LOVED BY ME AND THE FATHER. ITS ALL IN HOW YOU HANDLE IT! BE MATURE, DON'T BASH THEIR MOM AND JUST GIVE THEM LOTS OF LOVE. SOMETIMES THINGS JUST ARE. GO BE HAPPY. FIND A MATE WHO IS 50/50 IN THE RELATIONSHIP OR DUMP HER.
see your problem is that your holding on to something that isny there any more often we feel like we owe our partner something for the things they done for us and in return they will use that against you why stay and be unhappy you can love your kids from adistance not even denying them the same love you had while in the house if your not mentally capable to love yourself how can you love someone else sometimes we put ourselves with people who we know we dont belong with stop denying yourself happiness god will send the right one for you or it may be your wife just not right now
first and foremost...get counseling. there HAS to be an underlying problem. are you controlling? does she have money of her own? what's REALLY going on? something that either you are not telling or she's not telling.
think of the children, even if you do divorce. maybe YOU can get custody. but stay incolved with them.
but try marriage counseling, so, if nothing else, you will have a chance to speak honestly, and so will she.
if divorce is the answer, fine. stay close to your kids.
-sheila
That's so heartbreaking. But you don't have to be in a bad marriage to be a Great Daddy. You may need to go too marriage counseling. If you truly want to work on your marriage and save your family then work hard to keep it. But staying in a marriage just to be with your children will cause them more problems then you could ever know. They'll never know what a real marriage should be if the example is set by your marriage in the state it's in now.
Have her work for a while, and see how her priorites and state of mind change. Stick to your guns, don't back down, and just watch things change. She needs to realize that she can't get away with everything--but don't be a jerk about it either. Before thinking about getting divorced, try counseling--you owe at least that much to the kids.
Get out, life's to short.
No I live in hell and he would say the same. we are staying for the kids but honestly don't.. don't do it
can you imagine what it will be like in just a few more months. your miserable now ....and sweetie youve already answered your own question. its not likely it will change. move forward for your kids sake, and dont make the same mistake again. decide what you want in a person and dont settle for less.
Couples seem to forget that before they had kids, they were a couple. When the children come along the stop romancing the other... It becomes a marriage of who does what. When was the last time you and your spouse went on a date. Or when you did someone really romantic. I think you should should get a sitter, go on a date... or plan a weekend getaway.. got a mother in law. Time to sit down with your partner and talk... without the children.
Leaving is easy.. loving and staying is work... why do people take the easy path...
People change,so did you. You both should go and talk to a counsellor. Can you remember why you married her,in the first place? Think of that. She may be depressed,this isn't your fault either. You,all need to talk. She may be wanting out too,but she is scared of doing things on her own. Does she have any skills that she could support herself? This is scary,if she never has worked outside the home. It's great that you love your babies,so many men(boy's),don't even bother to stay. I'm,glad that my husband is wonderful man,too. But don't stay,in this relationship for the kids,they will always feel the tension,and it does take a toll on the kids,when they become young adults. First try counselling,take your wife to the doctor and see if it isn't depression,and if you have the same feeling that you don't think it will work,then you have your answer....good luck to you....dimples
Your wife doesn't realize what she has,and is taking you for grantid.Does she know how you feel? If not,she should.Divorce is a serious thing and it does effect your children but so does their mothers attitude.Maybe a trial separation where you are only required to support the children and not the wife,might help her see that she has been blessed.Often we don't see what we have until it's gone.
it sounds like you are trying to blame your wife for you wanting to leave....either grow some balls and take ownership of you wanting to leave your family or work to fix your marriage. you are not being fair to your wife or children.
maybe you should look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel that your wife doesn't like you and work on that part of your marriage.
one more thing to consider....the new car and nice house will most likely go to your your wife along with about 30% of your income before taxes...maybe that would give you a warm fuzzy feeling.
Can I tell you that it is not as clear cut as do I stay or do I go, when you have kids involved? I mean, I don't know what your relationship was like before you brought kids into the picture? You want to go back and remember the things that attracted you to her and vice versa? Also, remember that there has got to have been something there to want to have a family? I mean, I don't know how old you are or how many years here in this marriage but I think you may have had issues before kids came along and you were busy and so was she and neither of you addressed them. I would strongly recommend you going to marital counseling. Usually you can get a recommendation from family or friends, or through your insurance company. My husband and I were there once, you go through periods of time where it is good, where it is difficult, up's and down's, and it is a journey, it is something though that is worth it to keep on trying!! Try first talking to her, telling her what you see, what is bothering you and that you are really concerned. It is vital to communicate and another biggie, compromise! However, if you feel that you are in a loveless marriage and you don't feel that there is going to be communication,compromise and changes, then I would say there is no reason to stay there for another 16 years for the sake of your kids. That's just not fair to anybody! However, if at first, you don't succeed, try,try again! I will pray for your family and hope that, in time, with lots of patience, things can turn around! I know it sure did for my husband and I(and yes at one point, we were seperated, I thought I hated him)and things have never been better, and we just celebrated 20 years!!!:)Good luck!
Get some counseling it really works. As a woman I can tell you that you wife has some self-esteem problems and she taking it out on you get her some help. Try to help out with the house work and spend time with her. Remember what you love about her and help her to see what she loves about you. After 16 years you can work it out if there no outside interference (boyfriend or girlfriend). For this weekend try Not saying anything negative to each other and give each other a kiss once every 2 hours or say something nice over the phone if you have to be away from each other. Sit down tomorrow and make a list of thing you each can do for each other to make things easier. If you feel things getting heat and a fight about to start laugh and think about one thing you like about each other. The point of this is to think about the other person and not yourself. Remember your vows and that anything worth having is worth working for.
u stayed and im paying for it now. I wish i had left 25 years ago and not have stayed for my kids,,,,,they are taking it worse now than they would have if I had done it early on. If you dont love someone get it over with. Dont beat a dead horse..........
how about some time apart?
if she never had to fend for herself she may not know the value of money or appreciate what you are doing for her.
of course, there is a risk she would try to find someone else to support her.
alternatively, just work less. you could spend more time at home and hint that it is time for her to get a job.
Only you can answer that question but you are not doing the kids any favors by staying in a loveless marriage. I also don't think you are being fair to yourself. It sounds like she may be overwhelmed with trying to keep up with the house and the kids and may be suffering from low self-esteem as well.
no i dont think there is any reason to stay if u r not happy that just makes ur life miserable and the kids dont want to c u that way it is hard enough to keep someone else happy just think about the kids if they r not happy then noone is
Answers: I don't think so the way it is going. Why stay for the kids sake? They will adjust and do you want your kids growing up knowing that it is okay to stay in something your not happy in? If she doesn't appreciate the things you work hard for then I would not worry about those things in life. Maybe going out on a date night or just sitting and watching a movie together will bring back the love, that is possible, but both have to want it...Good Luck in whatever happens..
no you can't. people don't change. get out while you can. sooner or later it will effect the kids as well--thet pick up more than you realize and at a very young age too.
Divorce is the only solution. If you stay in this marriage, sooner or later, you'll take it out on your kids. Take a divorce, but stay on good terms with your wife so you set a civilized example for your children and show them you love them.
It would be torture for everyone for you two to stay married.
STAYING TOGETHER ISNT DOING YOUR KIDS ANY GOOD. MY PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE EACHOTHER ANYMORE AND I TOLD THEM TO GO FIND SOMEONE THEY ARE HAPPY WITH. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY LIKE YOU ARE. YOUR KIDS WILL MAKE IT THRU LIKE MOST DO. I AM DIVORCED AND MY KIDS ARE WELL ADJUSTED AND LOVED BY ME AND THE FATHER. ITS ALL IN HOW YOU HANDLE IT! BE MATURE, DON'T BASH THEIR MOM AND JUST GIVE THEM LOTS OF LOVE. SOMETIMES THINGS JUST ARE. GO BE HAPPY. FIND A MATE WHO IS 50/50 IN THE RELATIONSHIP OR DUMP HER.
see your problem is that your holding on to something that isny there any more often we feel like we owe our partner something for the things they done for us and in return they will use that against you why stay and be unhappy you can love your kids from adistance not even denying them the same love you had while in the house if your not mentally capable to love yourself how can you love someone else sometimes we put ourselves with people who we know we dont belong with stop denying yourself happiness god will send the right one for you or it may be your wife just not right now
first and foremost...get counseling. there HAS to be an underlying problem. are you controlling? does she have money of her own? what's REALLY going on? something that either you are not telling or she's not telling.
think of the children, even if you do divorce. maybe YOU can get custody. but stay incolved with them.
but try marriage counseling, so, if nothing else, you will have a chance to speak honestly, and so will she.
if divorce is the answer, fine. stay close to your kids.
-sheila
That's so heartbreaking. But you don't have to be in a bad marriage to be a Great Daddy. You may need to go too marriage counseling. If you truly want to work on your marriage and save your family then work hard to keep it. But staying in a marriage just to be with your children will cause them more problems then you could ever know. They'll never know what a real marriage should be if the example is set by your marriage in the state it's in now.
Have her work for a while, and see how her priorites and state of mind change. Stick to your guns, don't back down, and just watch things change. She needs to realize that she can't get away with everything--but don't be a jerk about it either. Before thinking about getting divorced, try counseling--you owe at least that much to the kids.
Get out, life's to short.
No I live in hell and he would say the same. we are staying for the kids but honestly don't.. don't do it
can you imagine what it will be like in just a few more months. your miserable now ....and sweetie youve already answered your own question. its not likely it will change. move forward for your kids sake, and dont make the same mistake again. decide what you want in a person and dont settle for less.
Couples seem to forget that before they had kids, they were a couple. When the children come along the stop romancing the other... It becomes a marriage of who does what. When was the last time you and your spouse went on a date. Or when you did someone really romantic. I think you should should get a sitter, go on a date... or plan a weekend getaway.. got a mother in law. Time to sit down with your partner and talk... without the children.
Leaving is easy.. loving and staying is work... why do people take the easy path...
People change,so did you. You both should go and talk to a counsellor. Can you remember why you married her,in the first place? Think of that. She may be depressed,this isn't your fault either. You,all need to talk. She may be wanting out too,but she is scared of doing things on her own. Does she have any skills that she could support herself? This is scary,if she never has worked outside the home. It's great that you love your babies,so many men(boy's),don't even bother to stay. I'm,glad that my husband is wonderful man,too. But don't stay,in this relationship for the kids,they will always feel the tension,and it does take a toll on the kids,when they become young adults. First try counselling,take your wife to the doctor and see if it isn't depression,and if you have the same feeling that you don't think it will work,then you have your answer....good luck to you....dimples
Your wife doesn't realize what she has,and is taking you for grantid.Does she know how you feel? If not,she should.Divorce is a serious thing and it does effect your children but so does their mothers attitude.Maybe a trial separation where you are only required to support the children and not the wife,might help her see that she has been blessed.Often we don't see what we have until it's gone.
it sounds like you are trying to blame your wife for you wanting to leave....either grow some balls and take ownership of you wanting to leave your family or work to fix your marriage. you are not being fair to your wife or children.
maybe you should look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel that your wife doesn't like you and work on that part of your marriage.
one more thing to consider....the new car and nice house will most likely go to your your wife along with about 30% of your income before taxes...maybe that would give you a warm fuzzy feeling.
Can I tell you that it is not as clear cut as do I stay or do I go, when you have kids involved? I mean, I don't know what your relationship was like before you brought kids into the picture? You want to go back and remember the things that attracted you to her and vice versa? Also, remember that there has got to have been something there to want to have a family? I mean, I don't know how old you are or how many years here in this marriage but I think you may have had issues before kids came along and you were busy and so was she and neither of you addressed them. I would strongly recommend you going to marital counseling. Usually you can get a recommendation from family or friends, or through your insurance company. My husband and I were there once, you go through periods of time where it is good, where it is difficult, up's and down's, and it is a journey, it is something though that is worth it to keep on trying!! Try first talking to her, telling her what you see, what is bothering you and that you are really concerned. It is vital to communicate and another biggie, compromise! However, if you feel that you are in a loveless marriage and you don't feel that there is going to be communication,compromise and changes, then I would say there is no reason to stay there for another 16 years for the sake of your kids. That's just not fair to anybody! However, if at first, you don't succeed, try,try again! I will pray for your family and hope that, in time, with lots of patience, things can turn around! I know it sure did for my husband and I(and yes at one point, we were seperated, I thought I hated him)and things have never been better, and we just celebrated 20 years!!!:)Good luck!
Get some counseling it really works. As a woman I can tell you that you wife has some self-esteem problems and she taking it out on you get her some help. Try to help out with the house work and spend time with her. Remember what you love about her and help her to see what she loves about you. After 16 years you can work it out if there no outside interference (boyfriend or girlfriend). For this weekend try Not saying anything negative to each other and give each other a kiss once every 2 hours or say something nice over the phone if you have to be away from each other. Sit down tomorrow and make a list of thing you each can do for each other to make things easier. If you feel things getting heat and a fight about to start laugh and think about one thing you like about each other. The point of this is to think about the other person and not yourself. Remember your vows and that anything worth having is worth working for.
u stayed and im paying for it now. I wish i had left 25 years ago and not have stayed for my kids,,,,,they are taking it worse now than they would have if I had done it early on. If you dont love someone get it over with. Dont beat a dead horse..........
how about some time apart?
if she never had to fend for herself she may not know the value of money or appreciate what you are doing for her.
of course, there is a risk she would try to find someone else to support her.
alternatively, just work less. you could spend more time at home and hint that it is time for her to get a job.
Only you can answer that question but you are not doing the kids any favors by staying in a loveless marriage. I also don't think you are being fair to yourself. It sounds like she may be overwhelmed with trying to keep up with the house and the kids and may be suffering from low self-esteem as well.
no i dont think there is any reason to stay if u r not happy that just makes ur life miserable and the kids dont want to c u that way it is hard enough to keep someone else happy just think about the kids if they r not happy then noone is
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