I am deeply affected by my husbands cheating with other women, dont trust him. Will we ever be happy again?
Question: He cheated, I found out. He apologised and I forgave, or so I thought. We are living in different cities at the moment because of work and he lives in the same city with the other woman. I dont trust him, and I think that they still see each other though I dont have proof. I just dont believe him when he says they are through. Will I ever trust him again? I think that his cheating hurt me more deeply than I thought at the time, I think that I have not forgiven him. Is there hope for us?
Answers: No you'll never forget what he did to you. If you want to save your marriage then you both need to go to couseling.
First I have to ask WHY are you living in different cities?
If your not available to care for his 5 basic NEEDS and he is not available to care for your 5 basic NEEDS who did you think was going to do this work?
Marriage is a work in process. It requires constant attention to the daily changes we each face.
I can understand your distrust. you have a valid reason.
BUT let me also ask in honesty what did you expect?
How can you live apart from some one for any length of time and still meet the needs of your partner. Was your job that important?
Ok let me back up a sec.
First expecting him to leave the other woman is not gonna happen, At this time he is divided between you and her. and with her access to him she is better chance of filling his love bank then you do. You probably still love him or you would not be angry. but you both made decisions that allowed the seed for this affair to blossum.
How you fix this is up to you.
if your interested in repairing the marriage then first you have to face the problems.
1) you need counciling. only with a neutral party can you bring the lies in the open ( both yours and his)
2) HE needs to stop seeing the other woman ( COLD TURKEY. NO CALL,S EMAILS LUNCHES, CHATS< NOTHING)
Men especially have difficulty breaking relationships. Our basic NEED for sexual fulfillment is a physical trait that is stimulated by EXTERNAL factors. The other woman is in his life now, She now has assets in his LOVE BANK , that may never be removed, and she can trigger those physical responces at any time of her choosing, and quite frankly he will not have the emotional strenth to resist. much like a Acholholic trying to quite drinking.
This is where you have to help. You need to firm and unwavering. You have to estalish consiquences for his actions. AND YOU NEED TO BEE IN THE SAME HOUSE!
He needs to be accountable and you have to know his schedule for the entire 24 hour period. AND be able to call and check him with no warning. You continue this system of check and balance until you feel he can be trusted to a limited degree. It's the fear of being caught again that will help him resist to a small degree, but only if you follow through. Read the section in the Book his needs, her needs Dr. Harley has great information on this subject.
You will also need to understand HIS love language and begin refilling HIS LOVE BANK to the point where he can restablish emotional resistance to the other woman. I know you probably hate his gut's but if you read the book the 5 love languages. it can quickly show you how to refil his love bank by using the language he understands. ( and no I don;t mean sex) each of us has a unique language we communicate love with. for some it's quality time for others it's physical touch or even receiving gifts what ever his is start communicating your love to him in a language he understands.
During all this you will also need to teach him HOW TO FILL YOUR EMPTY LOVE BANK because if he don;t know he can never reapit the damage. and you will be back to square 1 again in the future.
Personally I suggest giving it 6 months if you can not make a Significent improvement in your marriage then agree to file for divorece and you can both more on with a clear conscience. and hopefully a amicable divorcde for the kids benifit.
But nothing is going to work if you both live seperate lives.
May God's Blessing be with your family
Simply put, NO, you probably won't be happy, or trusting or have feelings as you did before. He may be happy, only because he has 2 women to deal with, but not you. If there is doubt now, it tends to only get worse as time goes by. Being in different cities doesn't help either. If I were you, i'd look ahead and make plans to move on.
Your husband needs to realize that jobs come and go and get his butt back home to you if he wants this to work out and regain your trust.
Nope. The Trust has been broken.
Answers: No you'll never forget what he did to you. If you want to save your marriage then you both need to go to couseling.
First I have to ask WHY are you living in different cities?
If your not available to care for his 5 basic NEEDS and he is not available to care for your 5 basic NEEDS who did you think was going to do this work?
Marriage is a work in process. It requires constant attention to the daily changes we each face.
I can understand your distrust. you have a valid reason.
BUT let me also ask in honesty what did you expect?
How can you live apart from some one for any length of time and still meet the needs of your partner. Was your job that important?
Ok let me back up a sec.
First expecting him to leave the other woman is not gonna happen, At this time he is divided between you and her. and with her access to him she is better chance of filling his love bank then you do. You probably still love him or you would not be angry. but you both made decisions that allowed the seed for this affair to blossum.
How you fix this is up to you.
if your interested in repairing the marriage then first you have to face the problems.
1) you need counciling. only with a neutral party can you bring the lies in the open ( both yours and his)
2) HE needs to stop seeing the other woman ( COLD TURKEY. NO CALL,S EMAILS LUNCHES, CHATS< NOTHING)
Men especially have difficulty breaking relationships. Our basic NEED for sexual fulfillment is a physical trait that is stimulated by EXTERNAL factors. The other woman is in his life now, She now has assets in his LOVE BANK , that may never be removed, and she can trigger those physical responces at any time of her choosing, and quite frankly he will not have the emotional strenth to resist. much like a Acholholic trying to quite drinking.
This is where you have to help. You need to firm and unwavering. You have to estalish consiquences for his actions. AND YOU NEED TO BEE IN THE SAME HOUSE!
He needs to be accountable and you have to know his schedule for the entire 24 hour period. AND be able to call and check him with no warning. You continue this system of check and balance until you feel he can be trusted to a limited degree. It's the fear of being caught again that will help him resist to a small degree, but only if you follow through. Read the section in the Book his needs, her needs Dr. Harley has great information on this subject.
You will also need to understand HIS love language and begin refilling HIS LOVE BANK to the point where he can restablish emotional resistance to the other woman. I know you probably hate his gut's but if you read the book the 5 love languages. it can quickly show you how to refil his love bank by using the language he understands. ( and no I don;t mean sex) each of us has a unique language we communicate love with. for some it's quality time for others it's physical touch or even receiving gifts what ever his is start communicating your love to him in a language he understands.
During all this you will also need to teach him HOW TO FILL YOUR EMPTY LOVE BANK because if he don;t know he can never reapit the damage. and you will be back to square 1 again in the future.
Personally I suggest giving it 6 months if you can not make a Significent improvement in your marriage then agree to file for divorece and you can both more on with a clear conscience. and hopefully a amicable divorcde for the kids benifit.
But nothing is going to work if you both live seperate lives.
May God's Blessing be with your family
Simply put, NO, you probably won't be happy, or trusting or have feelings as you did before. He may be happy, only because he has 2 women to deal with, but not you. If there is doubt now, it tends to only get worse as time goes by. Being in different cities doesn't help either. If I were you, i'd look ahead and make plans to move on.
Your husband needs to realize that jobs come and go and get his butt back home to you if he wants this to work out and regain your trust.
Nope. The Trust has been broken.
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